I always wanted to be a black belt

Have you ever wished you could go back in time, basically, to reclaim that youthful body with the caveaut to go back knowing what you know now?

No, this isn't an advertisement with some product that makes any promises.  My joints hurt as I awake each and every day.  I haven't slept through the night in years due to chronic pain in my back.  I used to be able to ALMOST do a split and could punch at blinding speed.  I used to be able to perform so much better, and alas, age presses on.  I'm probably 70% of what I was when I was at my best in my youth. 

Is this the song of the aged?  "Oh, how I wish I was young .... knowing what I now know..."

I'm truly begining to wonder, if I am thinking this now, what will I think in 20 years? (assuming I'm still here).  Will I reflect of a time where I would say, I wish I were 20 years younger knowing what I know now (now at that time I will be age 76). 

And so, I live.  I live each and every day.  I go after that guitar arpegio that's eluded me forever, I still try to lift the weight that I've never been able to lift, I try to grow in my relationships and apply all the lessons learned so far.  I find the depravity is still there, the capacity for change more challenging, but, my mind is strong and my desire to be all I can be is pushing for more. 

I was haunted by a thought when I was a boy.  I always wanted to be a black belt.  A thought came to me, it was this. "If you got your black belt and there was noone else to see you with it, would you still want it?"  This thought frightened me because I realized that I was driven for others, and the perception of others.  It's what some call "motivation".  That inner burning to accomplish.  That which cannot be given to anyone else.  The motivation can be good and it can be bad.  When you see someone achieve a goal like running a marathon, does it make you think you can run a marathon?  My point is that there will be things that we are driven to do that are for ourselves, and some things for others.  The person who loses that 10 pounds or 100 pounds, or quits drugs and/or drinking, who quits running around and commits to his/her wife and family.  These are marathons of a different kind.  They are the kind that produces fruit in those around us.  I think I'm coming to understand that I got my black belt and now, I'm content to share what I've learned with any who would want to know.  I've learned a bit about playing guitar, and I'm happy to give my knowledge to anyone who would want it.  My time that is left, it is to be honored and spent wisely and diligently for I don't know how much of it is left. 

Today is the day I  will want 20 years from now.  What will I dream to do 20 years from now that I'm presently in that moment that can be fulfilled?  Perhaps the ancients and those that have passed before us seem to have a clue....  I've heard most in the gneration(s) before me say, "if I could do it all over again, I'd spend more time with my kids."  Others may say, "I would have not done this thing", or maybe even, "I wished I wouldn't have spent the last 20 years being guilty about ..."

Perhaps the key is, I may know more in 20 years, but, those that are 20 years ahead of me seem to be consistent with their drive to have worked for better relationships.  To not harbor anger. To forgive, to forget, to respect, ultimately, to love.  I wrote in my journal when I was 37 years of age that if the Lord gave me 37 more years, I did not want them to be like the first 37.  For me, let this be a renewal of that spirit I showed.  I want my last years to be my best.