I was put in charge of him and have attempted to be that leader in a responsible way. I'm not proud of all that I've thought, said, or done, but, I've tried.
I thought of him today in a special way because I saw a documentary on Paul Williams. One of the most prolific song writers of our time and a name that many will probably not know. Steve, (my brother), will know the name. He's really good at that kind of thing, as well as movies, directors, actors, certain sports and so on. What struck me as I watched the documentary was that it was so enjoyable to me. You see, in the 70's, everything was so mysterious. All of the standard plots you'd see on the TV shows that would show patterns of similarity and yet sometimes throw different axioms into the mix... Like Bobby Brady needing to know WHEN to quit vs. "Little Joe" on Bonanza being exhorted to NEVER quit. These things confused me as a boy. Like Jim Carry in the Cable guy, I watched these shows and actually thought this was the way things were supposed to be. A kind and gentle set of parents that the Brady Bunch offered, one who would scold mildly or talk over family issues. It was the paradise I longed for. You'd see Gilligan's Island and I had no clue of the turmoil Sherman Schwartz had between Tina Louise and Bob Denver. I don't remember the candid interviews you can now get that provides the behind the scenes kind of thing that thrills me personally. Oh ya, back to my brother.... I thought as I watched this Paul Williams documentary how, for me, it was a slice of heaven. I was getting insights to the Merv Griffin show, the Michael Douglas show, and more... I can see my brother reading this going "UGH" REALLY ?? But, this isn't a complaint about him.
We're simply different...
He'll watch a movie that moves him, he'll tell me about it, I'll watch it. I'll send him my commentary on it. He'll do the same for me. Do you know why? Because we love each other. Oh, this didn't come over night, I can assure you of that. I remember when he had me to go and see, "The Full Monty". (he's smiling now). But, he's turned me on to many gems, Shawshank Redemption, Pope of Greenwich Village to name a few. I think he has tremendous insights to movies. Movies can be a poxy to bring things together. I've witnessed two people in a family that never speak and one day just because the topic was movies, it became a substance of connection.
Apart from movies, we can talk about anything else in life with no pretension. We have fought about everything and moved on from every disagreement. We used to argue about Godzilla and King Kong. I still say King Kong won the fight. We'd argue about Orange vs. Grape Koolaid. I liked Ron Santo, he liked Ernie Banks (both Chi Cub Players). But regardless of all the arguing...... He knows, and I know. We're brothers.
He challenges me...
Recently, I really believe that I've written the best and most thorough song of my life. After playing it for him, he said, "You can do better". To some, that may sound discouraging. Not to me. I know where he's coming from and it stays with me. I believe we all need to have people in our life that really knows us, where there's total honesty, total freedom to hear and say, but, here's the key; the statement must come from love. If you have that person, you have a treasure. My brother is that treasure.
It's a wonderful life...
In the movie it's a wonderful life (one that I really like and well, actually, I don't know what Steve thinks of it, but, Jimmy Stewart wishes he was never born. The angel demonstrates how different life would have been for so many people had he not been on the earth. The idea from that movie motivates and challenges me tremendously. It's really an impetus for this blog. I know of a few men that lost their younger brothers, I can't tell you how much that hurts to ponder. My brother has helped me through some of the hardest times of my life. To be honest, my parents rarely asked me how I was or felt, but I always knew my brother did. That's who he is. He's really kind of shy and lacks confidence in some ways, but, I know with the greatest confidence that when love moves him, it is an amazing thing to experience. I know of his struggles and how hard he has worked to overcome. I can't help but reflect to the point of this paragraph... I don't want to know the vacuum that would exist without him.
Do not leave the earth without saying...
I write this because, we cannot presume tomorrow. We have now, and now is all I have. If I were to die with these thoughts, no one would benefit. No one would know. I think that that may be one of the greatest weaknesses of people in general, one of my greatest weaknesses. I battle with a negative, pessimistic mindset. But, there are times, actually many times where a kind word, a decent act, an act of love I'll observe and it warms my heart and I don't say anything. This statement is reprehensible, but, it remains a truth for me... why don't I say it? Because I perceive it as being weak. Yes, there are times I'll look at my wife and think, my God, she looks amazing, vibrant, youthful, and it remains in the chamber of my heart. Perhaps, she'll be next on my list. And BTW, those that know me and have felt the sting of my tongue, it is nowhere near eloquent as the words I type. I must take these times to unlock the chamber, and be weak, vulnerable, and reflective. I say to you Steve, I know that you prioritize when I call. I know you look forward to see me when I'm in town. I know you delight in seeing me eat an Al's Italian Beef sandwich, you see, for a person to look for another person's desire is love and that is invaluable. That pure motivation cannot be purchased and few there are that give it and I want you to know I appreciate and love you bro.
What's the final chapter?
As boys, we went to Europe together. We ran the streets of our father's birthplace in Greece. We got sick together on a boat crossing from Greece to an island just off of Turkey. Some embarrassing stories that I'll spare. But, man, it was just living. This was before the testosterone flowed to begin my quest for stuff, and failures and misguided pursuits. It was an innocent time where we really depended on each other. Will we get to go back?
I'll close by saying, I NEVER dreamed as a young boy that life would be this good. Yes, life is good. Yes, there's suffering, there's plenty of disappointments, there's sickness, there's pain, there's even death to contend, but, as long as we're alive and we have breath, I can say I'm so thankful for my brother.
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